pre-X-Mas Blues

The holidays are always a hard time for me. I started not to post this, but someone reminded me - I don't write for my audience, I write for me. And I need to get this out. Log off now if you don't want to share my sadness...

My son was involved in a car accident involving a drunk driver. He's fine, and the other passengers are fine as well. The other driver was caught after they also managed to hit a police cruiser and charges are pending.

As I drove home from the ER, adrenaline wearing off, silent tears slid down my face, and I allowed them, for several reasons. Mostly, the holidays are hard for me.

One year ago, my son came home from daycare with a broken arm, and I spent 16 hours in the ER waiting for them to set it - then came home, gathered myself, and headed back to the hospital for my fibroid surgery. Within a 48 hour period, my "boyfriend" managed to neglect to take me to my surgical appointment, I had to come up with someone else to take me, I had family & children services calling my hospital room, and my daughter had to hold down the house while I recovered. I managed to get out of bed last X-Mas just long enough to watch them open presents, then slipped back into my pain-killer induced sleep.

Seven years ago, my fiance (FL) came home & cracked several bones in my left hand, after he'd stayed out for 36 hours without calling. I spent that X-Mas eve in the ER for 8 hours, filling out the warrant paperwork so the cops would pick him up, while I worried how I was going to care for my sick child one-handed.

For many years I've struggled as a single parent to make sure that my kids had a memorable X-Mas, even when it meant financial finagling, struggle and sacrifices on my part. I'm a mom, that's my job, I chose it, and I'm fine with that. And I know someone is going to post a comment, telling me to be grateful that my kids are healthy, that I'm healthy, that we have a roof over our heads and the whole nine. I agree, and I do appreciate that, but it's no consolation for the way that I'm feeling.

This year is different, and I'm not sure why. I've dealt with adversity many, many times, but this year is different. It may be the fact that I have no family to speak of - my parents have been dead for several years, and my only brother is 25+ years older than I - we don't know each other. It could be that I've been busting my a$$, sacrificing my social life to pursue a degree which has yet to show a payoff. Maybe it's just that the holidays are hard. Maybe it's just that being a single mom is hard. Maybe it's that being the single parent of a disabled child, with a very small support system, is almost impossible.

Or, maybe it's that I'd like something genuinely good to happen to us. Something that I didn't have to sacrifice for, something that I didn't have to work my a$$ off to achieve, something that I didn't feel like I made happen. Something, extraordinary.

I'm not sure. The only thing I am sure of is this - I give so much of myself (maybe I've given too much) to my friends, to my coworkers, to my jobs, to my extended family, to my exes, even to FL, or at least I've tried to. Now, I want something just for me. Something simply good, nice - just for the sake of making me smile, and not asking anything in return. Something that would make Hammy say "very-very good, mommy".

That's what I want for X-Mas.